As I sit here trying to do what I have to get done, I can’t help but feel a certain level of desperation in my chest. It is suffocating.

There is a time in life when we decide things. Most of us decide on the practical, the path we know is possible. The logical one. Yet, sometimes I feel like this decision is killing me slowly. So slowly in fact, that most of the days I don’t even realize that there is an issue at all. But not today. Today I feel suffocated. Not in my lungs, but in my heart.

When I was younger I thought heartbreak was bad but compared to this… I would like a heartbreak right now. Maybe I would feel anything more than this nameless desperation.

Of course, the life that I would want to live isn’t attainable. I knew it from the get-go, and that is the way I made the choices I made. Am I the only one who dies every day and still is alive somehow? Do you die too?

But there is no choice there other than to live. And I am living. Begging the nameless numbness to go away. Go away for a little while at least, Because I know within myself that it will never leave me for good.

But for now, I shall live. The life I don’t want.